Gap year confessions

If you’re reading this, I hope that means there is a part of you that’s curious about taking a gap year or gap semester. To preface, I’m taking my gap year between sophomore and junior year, but most gappers I know took their gap year between high school and college. But also to preface, timing does not matter at all (so do it whenever feels right)!

Let me first acknowledge there are many other reasons, beyond our control, students take a leave of absence. And there are many for whom gap years are not feasible, maybe because of timing or financials. Because a gap year is a luxury. It is a true privilege to deliberately carve time out of your life to dedicate to your personal growth. So, if you are lucky enough in this lifetime to have the means to consider a gap year - and have an inkling of interest - let me entice you.

Wandering in Rome, Italy

Deciding for yourself:

Here is an excerpt from the letter the Dean of Admissions sends with its admissions letter, encouraging students to take a gap year before arriving at Harvard:

“Yet the paradox is that the only road to real success is to become more fully oneself, to succeed in the field and on the terms that one defines for oneself.”

Yes, let’s have a chuckle at the irony that Harvard says we should define our own success, and ignore the consulting/banking recruiting that pop up on our email list-servs, and dance to the beat of our own drum around a fire lit by our flaming transcripts and the shreds of our LinkedIn profile. Context aside, there is truth in the words and maybe it’s worth another read here.

Because though this seems radical for Harvard, this isn’t earth-shattering rhetoric. Most of America is kind of in a bubble about its thinking that education is purely on a linear track. During my travels, no one thought twice when I told them I was on a gap year. My favorite travel buddy that I met in Nepal was also on her gap year. She is German and just beginning her freshman year of college at 21 years old. Totally normal. I travelled with two Australian girls who just graduated high school. Neither were in a rush to begin uni. In many places in the world, it’s really quite odd for students to transition directly from high school to higher education without any breaks, without added experiences, or without new perspectives.

A rural village in Hu County, China

But still, I get the seemingly innocent, but secretly loaded question: “Why?”

Since I’ve answered the question so many times, I’m good at spitting out a 10 second spiel, but here, I want to draw out the complicated web that compelled me.

One thing, I’d like to be clear on: this is not a vent about Harvard. I could only come to these conclusions because there came a point when I lifted my head out the water, and realized, in a rush of meta-awareness, that I was wildly off-track. I pushed down so many emotions that when I finally slowed down, I realized this sow burning discomfort I ignored was a full-blown maelstrom of listlessness, restlessness, and hopelessness. I was so scared of the future because I knew I was moving towards nothing but further unhappiness. Only after identifying this problem and then being away from campus could I see more clearly the structures and institutions I existed in and how I needed to radically re-engage with them. I hope you can join me in this contemplation of the structures we exist in and how they serve us, and even deeper, whether we are serving ourselves.

So now, I will outline why - all the reasons why – from the deep existential motivations to the wildly inane. I can’t speak to why you should take a gap year, but I can tell you all about why I chose to take mine. Let’s begin.

Peonies in NYC

I took a gap year because I had no idea what my values were. In this way, I think Harvard has failed to provide a true “liberal arts education” that best prepares students for life after college. We are pushed intellectually, but what about the emotional, human part? The part when we imagine the kind of person, not professional, we want to become.

I took a gap year because I needed to know that I could sit alone with myself. I wanted to travel the world, alone.

A quiet calligraphy studio in the water town Zhujiajiao, China

I took a gap year because I felt a deep friction I couldn’t name until I was away from campus. If you don’t have solid grounding, you are at risk of being swept up in the fastest moving current; and I felt myself being carried away by the lure of big money in big cities by big banks. Sophomore spring, when my roommate told me she already cinched an internship at a big bank in NYC for junior summer, I felt myself feeling anxious, and angry with myself. But I didn’t even want it! I just felt like I should! I didn’t know what I wanted or even what I liked. Everyone talks about a career path. How can I be on a “path” if I was aimless? What was the destination? I needed to know what was out there.

Zen in Adams House

I took a gap year because I finally wanted time to read the books I always said I would.

I took a gap year because I finally wanted time to write the poetry I always said I would.

I took a gap year because I didn’t know my own limits. There is a 24 hour library on campus called Lamont. If you study there - and god forbid pull an all-nighter there - you are labeled a “Lamontster”. Things like this condition us never know when to stop studying, preparing for interviews, reaching for the next accolade. I worked myself to the point when I lifted my head up on a Thursday, mid-dinner and realized I haven’t had a real conversation with anyone in the past week. I worked myself to the point that I woke up counting down the hours until I could sleep again. I couldn’t handle Harvard’s constantly turning wheel of competitive productivity; I felt like I was just skimming the surface and everything was gliding by.

I took a gap year because I didn’t spend enough time with my family. I knew I took things for granted far too often.

My sweet sweet baby cousins putting on a dance show

I took a gap year because I did not feel like I was doing well at Harvard, not on the front  of my well-being, self-confidence, or being a caring friend to the people I love.

I took a gap year because my life had always been on track. I was a swimmer and never consider the world around me. I never thought about whether I should volunteer for my community. I never really thought about how my actions affect other people on the planet. I never ventured to create things. I always felt content to do well at the things that I was assigned. I was never political. I didn’t even know how to articulate the question, never mind have the audacity and self-awareness to recognize a change and enact a solution.

My beloved winning freestyle relay team at Ivy Champs 2018

I took a gap year because I had to know: when I was really stressed and things came down to the wire, could I trust myself? Did I have an inner voice? What did she sound like? Did I even like her?

I took a gap year because I needed sleep.

I took a gap year because I felt inauthentic and immature. Sometimes, I felt trapped underneath all of the identifiers we say in a “Harvard introduction,” trapped under Cabot House, swimmer, comparative literature major, sophomore, etc. I wanted to seriously commit to understanding myself and being honest with myself about my own shortcomings. I knew I couldn’t do that at Harvard; it was too comfortable and I was stuck in a groove of the things I committed to and a packed google calendar. To do this, I had be in an environment that forced me out of my element, to be uncomfortable. I wanted to know what I was like when I was meeting a completely new group of people.

Wild Goose Pagoda park in Xi’an, China

I took a gap year because I wanted to see the communities that I wanted to help later in life. Only then did I feel like I could return to school and learn how to best help them.

I took a gap year because I wanted to learn how to cook my mother’s recipes with her.

I took a gap year because I strongly believed that anything I missed while away (the FOMO!) would be outweighed by the insight I will gain on my gap year. Harvard wasn’t the kind of education I needed at that moment. I would give myself the kind of education I needed, now.

My best friend on campus

There just came a point, when I knew that I couldn’t continue at the pace that I was going in the way that I was living.

If you’ve ever felt this way as well, consider taking a gap year.

“You do not need to leave your room.

Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”

- Frank Kafka